It’s hard to lie in a room that is slowly having the life sucked out of it. I’m sitting here almost in a bubble. If I look towards the other side of my room, I see so many things that make me feel sad.
There are the boxes that are scattered about. And it’s not even contained to my room. If I step out into the hall there is a neat stack, and in the living room there is another, and in the basement another. I’m bombarded by these boxes, both full and empty. Many of my things have been packed away already, and there are many more empty boxes waiting. Eventually they will all be filled and this room that I am living in now will be empty, devoid of everything that made it mine for the past 12 years of my life. It’s so hard to think of!
And then there is my closet, so many things that were in it have been packed away. My shelf that once held all of my body lotions and jewelry boxes and the like is nearly empty. All that’s left are a few miscellaneous things, one being my childhood piggy bank. I’m still on the shelf on whether or not I should get rid of it. Part of the excitement of leaving is the excitement of maturity, and this little dinosaur definitely is not the epitome of maturity. But at the same time, it was given to me by my dear Aunt, and even though I haven’t even really looked at it in years I still have a pang of guilt and sentiment when I see it. It’s so saddening to think of it smashed to bits in a landfill for all of eternity, the little carved message and date at the bottom would be scattered around never to be read again. I guess I have my decision made!
And my clothing… I spent most of the afternoon (and by that I mean a couple of hours) neatly folding them and putting them into a suitcase which I then hauled downstairs. It’s really weird to see it without any hangers, the closet I mean. It’s just… an empty space!
I gave up packing a few hours ago, but I know I have to press on. It’s not so much physically tiring as emotionally tiring. I’ve thrown away so much (which in turn has taught me about how many useless things I have bought over these past several years). Next up is my boxes of makeup that I offered up to friends, and my old jewelry. I’ll be doing all of my decorative items soon too… the wind chime my friend brought me from Spain, my soapstone oil burners, my candle holders, my decorative dagger, my Tibetan singing bowl… my photo albums and frames! All must be packed away tonight, but I always find myself pausing to look at things. I spent several hours last week looking through my photo box and photo albums.
It’s so crazy. People have been asking me if I am excited, they tell me that I must be excited. I don’t know if I would call myself excited, I know I’ve had my moments of excitement though. But all of this packing and organizing has been stressful and made me sad as well. I think that in the end I come off looking like I am completely neutral. Can’t say I’m happy and can’t say I’m sad because I am both at the same time. Opposite + opposite = cancellation, right?
I made this list of things I was supposed to accomplish today… note how not many things are crossed off yet.
And so I am going to force myself to start packing again… maybe if I spend less time reminiscing I will accomplish more and then it will be easier.